Today, I just want to share my heart with you. The past three to four years have been somewhat difficult at best. My husband has been on disability for a back injury and this has taken it’s toll on our whole family. We have been married for 11 1/2 years and when I took the vow “in sickness and in health” I took it seriously. I just never knew how serious it would get. Not the sickness or health, but the marriage and trials that come and try to steal all the love, sweat and tears I would put into my marriage.
Things started getting bad in 2009, when my husband had to have his third back surgery. It was a time in his life that was very trying and painful, not only in the flesh but the spirit. He has suffered depression, medication changes that have about drove him insane, and even suicidal thoughts have invaded his faith driven mind. One thing I believe he has learned is to never say never and don’t judge until you walk in someone else’s shoes. He became angry. Who wouldn’t, right? He became depressed. I know I would. He became quiet and turned inward to try to adapt and deal with his uncharted feelings and thoughts. He turned away from everything he loved and knew to be good in his life. Why? I don’t know. Everyone deals with things differently. Our roles reversed. I was the one going to work. He stayed home with the kids. I had a life outside of the house with work and friends. He did not. I wanted to work part time and be a wife and mother. That was his job now. He wanted to go to work and be able to work outside mowing the grass, working in the garage, building things, or tearing them down. I was working eight plus hours and then coming home to continue working in the house taking care of our two girls and the monstrous house we had just built. I couldn’t do it all. We both had feelings of resentment. Mine could not be hidden. I became bitter. Not just towards him, but God. I began to question God why. Why is this happening to me? Why did I wait all those years to marry (I was 34 years old) only to have my husband taken from me 6 years later. I felt as though I didn’t have a marriage, but an legal arrangement that had produced two beautiful girls. After so long, I wanted out. Deep inside I knew that I loved him and wanted our marriage to work, but I couldn’t help but feel that somehow, I could start again. I deserved that didn’t I? After all, I stayed pure until marriage just like God had commanded. I had been a Christian since age 17. I was faithful and devoted to my husband and kids. Why was I having to endure this? It wasn’t fair. Well, that’s when I read something T.D. Jakes said, “Faith isn’t fair.” Ouch! Jesus was a man. Yes, He was God, but He WAS a man also. He had all the manly feelings, thoughts, and desires. I’m sure He WANTED things in His life. I know He didn’t want to go to the cross if there could possibly be another way. Remember the Garden of Gethsemane? “Take this cup from me” , He prayed. He also prayed, “Not my will, but Yours be done.”
So, for the past 2 years, I have fought a fight of bitterness, resentment, anger, rejection, and anything else Satan could throw at me. My marriage has been tested. My faithfulness has been tried. My Christian walk has been rocky. I asked a fellow Christian at work to pray for my marriage. I had shared with her that God had spoke to me and said He would restore my marriage. She said to me, “If you had a Word from God, and you are 100% sure, stand on it! ” God’s word says, “We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.” Ephesians 6: 12-13.
God has been faithful to His word. Two weeks ago, my husband told me God had been dealing with him about some things and our marriage was one of them. Not only did he apologize with tears and sincerity, but gave a public apology at church. God is mending hurts in my family. Hurts between my husband and I, and hurts that have reached my children. I have seen visible results as well as invisible results. All I know for sure is God is my refuge in storms, my captain in battle, my lifeguard on stormy seas, the light in my darkness, my comforter in sadness, my shield against the devil, the lover of my soul and my kinsmen redeemer. He is the one true God! He is faithful to His word. So, sister and/or brother in Christ, I urge you to STAND on God’s promises to you. Whether they are spoken or from the bible, stand on it! Believe it! Wait on it! It will come to pass. And remember, my sister and/or brother, worship while you wait!